DENTON IS HOME!

I should be studying for finals right now... I don't want to.

So this is a semi-psycho-emotional post. I don't have time to go too deep into it, but I am going to get some of it, at least, off of my chest.

College has truly made me realize how very few "friends" I have. I have maybe a handful of friends, tops, that I truly trust and love and even more important than love, I like them. I genuinely like who they are. It's hard right now because I've spent a whole year at college and come to the realization that I am an insecure person. I don't trust myself in many, many ways and I depend on others to far more than I'd like to. College has been an arduous process for me, and it doesn't seem to be getting easier. Making decisions on my own, controlling myself, watching myself and remembering to maintain a sense of love and admiration for myself, have taken far too much out of me. It has all been way too hard to do and, unfortunately, my failures have manifested themselves into a weak, unfruitful, downhill, and overall terrible year. I walk away having made very few good friends and very few "just friends." I realize fully that it's been due to my insecurities and my fears and weaknesses. I have been fortunate, so fortunate, however, in having met perhaps the best person I've come across in my life. In just a month or so, Aliy became my best friend and continues to be the one person that I trust, love and genuinely admire. In all my failures and all my weaknesses, I have made one progress and that is befriend someone who makes me happy and makes me feel loved and as though I truly belong.

Coming home for the summer also scares me. I know that I have, unknowingly, ended many of the friendships I once held in high esteem. But the friendships that I've relied on all this year to get me through, just through, may be vanishing. Friendships that I clasped on to with all my might to make myself feel that I do have friends, people do love me, I do belong somewhere, may be gone. I am scared of having to face it all, I am afraid of having to go back to school empty, without all that I once had, if only in my mind.

So here I am. Stuck between a rock and hard place. It's my fault, I fully comprehend that and whole-heartedly accept responsibility. I hope I can go back to being a happy, secure person, instead of an empty shell of it all.

This is pretty personal, but I don't think many read it anyway, so I'm ok with it.

Hey guys!

So recently I was telling my friends at Stanford about all the shizzz that happend to me senior year, ESPECIALLY the Xanga incident, and they all got a huge kick out of it. That made me miss all the fun I had with Xanga, albeit there was much more embarassment and humiliation, but let's just focus on the good.

So school's almost over and I'm coming home soon. I have gone through so much this year and I wish I had used Xanga more. Writing in here has always been a release for me and I definitely needed that source of comfort alot this year. I'm just glad this year is almost over and I can't focus on un-doing all the bad I've done and making who I was even better and stronger.

I feel a deeply psychological post coming up pretty soon. I would go into great loads of detail now, but I have an essay due (obviously).

I miss all of you guys SO MUCH. I am so excited for summer and I am sure this summer is going to be different. See you guys all REALLY soon!!

i hate fighting.

a;kdjfa;dja;dfja;jdfa;jdfa especially when it's with my parents.

and i hate how i'm always the one that has to initiate a conversation to talk about things when we are in a fight. You'd think they could come to me and ask to talk things over every once in a while, but no, i'm always the one to do it, and i'm never recieved well either, i have to bug them until they let me talk to them, which is lame, because i know they want to talk to me, they just want to make it seem like... they don't care. akja;fdljaj.

and i hate fighting with a good friend too. i mean, i guess this isn't a fight and the inevitable is finally taking place, but i hate it. And i can't do anything about it. Rather, i won't do anything about it.

dkjadfjahdfahfdla this sucks.

My day started kind of rocky... i was late to class, i dropped my papers on the ground, had ms. francesconi pick them up, and i kind of had a head-ache. but as soon as i got to school, and heard everyone screaming 'happy birthday' i think all of those went away. (hahaha, and mr. ucovich didn't even care i was late. it's my fifth tardy, should've had detention like, two tardies ago...) then, when we were in class, becky and christine came in and surprised me with a flower and picture... honestly, i was so shocked, i didn't even get out of my seat. clara noticed them first and it took me like two seconds to realize who they were. i was soooooooooo happy, but so sad after they left coz i wanted to spend more time with them. and i was pissed that i hadn't gotten up or anything, but seriuosly, i was glued to my desk. and DEADLY afraid of mr. ucovich. hahaha, then they decorated my car, hahahahaha! best thing ever! i hella didn't go to my car during brunch coz i didn't feel like walking up the stairs with all my stuff, but i saw it after school and i went hom and filmed it, hahahaha! okkk, then yasi bought my balloons, hahaha, and one of them said, 'i love you grandma'..... hahaha, i fucking love her. so i wont' bore you with furtehr details (thank you soooooooo much for the lotions and lip gloss and hot man, clara. thank you soooooooo much for the candy and angel box and the "writing", Denton, hahahah! and cari and emily and yami too... but they don't read this.)

the best part was in gov, when i was looking at the naked man card clara gave me... ok staring... so mr. schecter calls me, because i was staring at it and not paying attention. so then he's like, 'you here?' or something, and emily weber goes, 'nope she's busy staring at this man' hahaha, i freaking died.... i feel so perverted...

okk, then on top of it all, i came home tonight, and my parents gave me their present... basically, they gave me the only thing i've wanted for like two years... the camera of my dreams. it's a nikon D50. it's a digital camera and a normal camera and a video recorder. it's like one of those big cameras with the huge lens... omggg, i'm dying... it's the best thing ever... ahhh, i hate to get all materialistic because that's not what today was about... but man, this is the best camera in the world...

thank you guys so much, i can't really explain how grateful i am, because basically today's been one of the best days of my life  :] honestly, thank you, soo much...